Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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