Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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