I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need to calm my uterus...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
