I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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