Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
