I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
