Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize