I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
