they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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