No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
