she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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