Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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