I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
