there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
