you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
