So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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