I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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