Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
accomplished twins. life is a go
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
