Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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