the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize