Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
