Do you still have your period?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
