They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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