More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
