i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
