i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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