Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
