Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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