Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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