It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
