The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
