Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
