I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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