Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
