Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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