It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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