90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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