Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you have to choose: penises or morals?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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