I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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