I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
