just come out here and I will go home with you...
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
