peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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