who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
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