Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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