some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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