he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
