i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
