I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
