the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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