During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
