I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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