You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
