My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
